a series of thoughts i've had over the months

777

May 4, 2026.

there is no particular reason on why i have this setup as the title.

i have been thinking on how empty i have been feeling and how devoid i have been of providing any and every kind of value to both myself and the world.

i have been constantly finding myself in a rut.. of not doing shit.

is this writeup an avoidance and an admission of that? absolutely.

does this mean that i am doomed? absolutely not.

i am bored, but at the same fucking time, i know what i have to do. i have tons of work left. TONS.

how dare i say that i am bored, when i still have a physique to build, books collecting dust in the corner, relationships to tend to, so much to learn and so much to write, and most importantly, build, create stuff that might benefit the world?

because without creation, you do not know what else might be needed. yes, your first iteration or your first product will never be THE one.

it does not matter if what you create does not benefit the world.

but you must try first. you must create. and see what sticks. and what doesn’t. and you need to enjoy the process while you are doing all this.

one small step at a time.

i keep giving myself words of encouragement like this. i keep writing like this, and i keep doing stuff like this in order to “hack” into getting productive.

i don’t know man. i’m being completely honest and transparent here. i too am human, but that isn’t reason for me to act like someone who knows what’s right and what’s expected.

here’s a note, again.

the secret is, that there’s no secret.

just show up every damn day, and do the same things over and over again CONSISTENTLY.

now depending on your actions, will be your final outcome.

doomscroll consistently === live an unfulfilling life do the freakin work regularly === live life, alive.

earn your dopamine. earn your reward.

p.s. 777 by joji.

brain fog.

gof niarb.

April 24, 2026.

ive been essentially feeling like shit the whole day.

didnt wake up properly, didnt sleep proper. neither was i feeling dandy the whole day.

i didnt have that much responsibilities either today, as i was speaking.

but here, we are.

immense brain fog.

there have been a couple of things as factors to have caused this situation for me.

• lots of sugar
• lack of physical movement (for the past 3 days)
• too much screen time
• the fucking humid and ass weather, so much so that i fainted and was dehydrated as shit
• an erratic sleep schedule that was building up all this week
• incessant music listening
• NOT abstaining from food

i had another intense brain fog moment just like this on early or late march. i forgot, let me check my notes.

it’s early march.

it’s so shit on how i feel about and during all of this brain fog. its the worst feeling that i can feel in the current life that i am living.

IVE GOT IT.

I HAVENT BEEN PRAYING PROPERLY FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS.

NO FUCKING WONDER WHY I WAS FEELING LIKE THIS.

And also, i’ve ramped up my use of headphones (both for classes and music) which is why i think i am feeling this bullshit echo-ey feeling of being self centered. so much that its actively hampering my ability to think.

my head is fucking splitting too. i don’t know exactly why, but i am NOT feeling great. i feel terrible. i feel horrible.

i would trade anything for clarity in my mind right now.

it’s so bad.

it’s so bad.

i cannot.

i just fucking cannot.

Too much screens are never too good for me.

This immensely sedentary lifestyle is fucking killing me.

All consumption, no creation is the thing that is fucking with me.

This cycle of procrastination of not creating stuff in a disciplined manner while also regretting later of NOT creating anything worthwhile needs to FUCKING stop.

This heat isn’t doing me good.

I’m eating shit food too.

It’s too many calories, it’s making me sluggish, and I’ve also had an erratic number of times of sleeping/napping today. Took too many mini naps, none of them being proper or fully rested.

one of the things I MUST keep in mind from now onwards, is that i cannot function a whole day without caffeine. i need it in my system right after i’ve had the first meal of the day.

otherwise, the whole day goes so fucking bad that i cannot even explain this to you in words.

ciao.

P.S.

this is a diary entry i made on my notes yesterday. i didn’t put any tags or images to this because no. meri marzi.

also this was a rant so not a real post or something you have to take seriously, so don’t mind me 😛

content consumption 101

April 7, 2026.

Aside from the fact that I cannot sleep after an hour of writing my thoughts, I have realised that I have indeed been quietly and almost subconsciously consuming a lot of content in the background.

As a challenge, I’m learning Spanish right now and am aiming to reach B1/B2 within 90 days. Might be easy, might be hard. But it doesn’t hurt to try, not at all. I’ve started April 1 (ironically), so by July 1, I’ve either achieved my goal, or I have not.

You might have noticed that some of my posts including this one had been first written on paper, and this is true because i didn’t bother to turn on my phone, my PC or my Mac to write this all out, as i did not want to cloud my brain or my psyche with a digital presence and practically mess up my super early morning. I might be a luddite of some sort, who knows?

I am literally writing this using sunlight as my only source of light (eco-friendly asf) and I’m writing this while I’m on a sofa, not on my study table. It’s beautiful that my hand is hurting as I write this because yes, it’s been THAT long since I wrote something on paper.

It’s precious. It truly is.

My forearms and my biceps hurt too from yesterday’s workout, which doesn’t really help with the pain I’m now feeling but they, I’m not complaining. I’ve’nt written something for this long period of a time for a long while now. I probably wrote this much back in 2024, when a tragic event happened to me and I refused to be the same person that I was back then.

I like how it’s already been half an hour since I’ve started writing this piece. True flow state achieved.

SO, I’ve been listening to podcasts, a whole lotta music (got YT Music Premium) and I’ve been actively watching Spanish videos and creating notes and all the good stuff.

All this is consumption.

But here’s the catch.

I’m actively creating as I speak. And consumption without creation is destructive. Kind of how more protein intake without the gym might be destructive? Exactly.

If you are to consume, you must also create.

No, you do not let AI manufacture your thoughts. Let your own mind wander and let yourself go FREE. Express yourself in your own language.

¿Who are you when you’re not using AI?

The key lesson that I’m taking home with me, even after this month long experiment ends, is this:

Create more than you consume. And consume only with intention, especially with intention. Ask yourself, is this genuinely going to nourish my knowledge buds, or is it yet another thing I want to consume because I have a non-existent responsibility on my shoulders to consume it?

As Leonardo da Vinci once said, and I quote:

“Just as food eaten without appetite is a tedious nourishment, so does study without zeal damage the memory by not assimilating what it absorbs.”

–K.

P.S. i like quiet spaces.

Java.

April 7, 2026.

I’ve got a student to myself who’s a Java developer and she’s essentially someone that breathes this language. So I decided, hey why not take a look at how Java is, right?

Prior to a few days earlier, the last time I saw the syntax of Java, I genuuinely was scared for the life of me.

So verbose, so branched, and so messy.

¿Why did it even get THIS popular in the first place?

Blame Sun Microsystems for popularizing this as a way to program remote controls. And also, did you know that all Blu-ray CDs are written in 100% Java? Yeah, crazy. I know.

(i’m literally so hungry as i write this, and it’s literally 6 in the morning. i’m just posting this later. i literally had dinner at 11 pm)

public static void main string args is now embedded in my brain and no API call is going to be able to make me forget this, unless a boot springs directly to my head 😀

(lame joke/pun ik but i had to make it make sense)

Java hasn’t bothered to update their website EVER since the 2000s, like man, we’re almost 3 decades in. You must bring SOME change, right? Well, they did.

They overhauled and modernized their syntax A LOT and I’m happy to say, I am no longer terrified of Java syntax. It should be scared of me lest I decide to learn it someday.

The reason I am writing about this is because I have consumed some content to know more about Java, while I am going about this no consumption spree. So it counts to stay transparent and accountable to y’all.

I’ve known about Java applets too for a while now, and as a JavaScript developer, I’m so thankful that applets never took off. I’ve seen some code and how it used to work, and genuinely? I’m glad it never took JavaScript’s job. Sucks to be Java when you can’t Script. insert laugh

A friend of mine was also coding in Java for some amount of time, and I was concerned about him on whether he would survive this.

He did.

And it wasn’t easy just as I expected.

He sticked to Python 😀

I despise the fact that Oracle databases are literally bound with Java, and that this billionaire war-mongering piece of shit is actively funding the genocide in Gaza and taking control over TikTok’s algorithm in the US. Not amazing, neither is it beneficial.

What sucks is that Oracle refuses to also release the trademark for being able to use the words “JavaScript” publicly without suing you. I’ve signed the official petition, you should too.

Fuck Larry Ellison & Free Palestine.

–K.

P.S. JS was originally called MochaScript, but formally called ECMAScript now, but because Java was such a hype back then that they HAD to use the name. They aren’t even related as most people might think!

podcast.

April 7, 2026.

I’m thinking of creating a podcast.

It’s a thought that has been on my mind on and off now, but I realise that there must be something like this out there.

Hear me out.

Just how there’s How To Spanish, or how there are other language podcasts, there isn’t one for Bangla, and that market is LITERALLY laying empty right now. I’ve always wanted a podcast where I interview both niche and famous individuals, and discuss with them events, plans and their general outlook of everything in general.

Couple this as a listening practice for people to get acquainted with, and we’ve got a winning combination. Plus, I genuinely don’t think there is one like that. A podcast where you put a special emphasis on Bangla.

Most podcasters quit by Ep 3.

97% of podcasters stop by Ep 20.

Those who surpass that, usually win.

If it’s come as a surprise to you, I’m also creating a social network, that’s centered around Bengali culture but also staying true to my principles: keeping it free, and open for all while maintaining a high level of quality, with an emphasis on privacy .

A podcast twinned with that sounds absolutely lovely. This is for the planning now, but for the social media network, we are launching 14 April, on Pahela Baishakh (First Monsoon) which is something us Bengalis love to celebrate.

Creating more instead of consuming is genuinely some advice that I should have taken earlier. Better late than never.

I’m super excited about this, hence I literally penned it down here!

Be on the lookout!

–Sahil.

P.S. gunna has a track named podcast, it’s been running through my mind both times i’ve written this out haha

trust that it will all work out

April 5, 2026.

i have a pretty bad habit of second-guessing myself whenever i make a decision. and it has stuck throughout my teens and almost creeped into my early adulthood too. i don’t like that. but i’m finally aware that this is a phenomenon that has happened to me and has affected a lot of my decisions.

it’s like that one tree of life trajectories where i set out to go on a certain path, but almost every single time, i deflected and branched out from it to go to another path. i don’t exactly find it amazing that i shifted course THIS many times, but i believe that everything that happens to you happens for a reason.

and no, i’m not going to spurt out the usual bullshit of fate and your “destiny”, because there is no such thing like that. and to hell with all the zodiac batshit.

you either work for the future you want, or you don’t. it’s as simple as that.

but there’s a prerequisite to that too. your own conscience.

trust yourself.

trust that it will all work out.

it is uncertain now. yes but later, it is going to make sense.

but you have to be persistent for a decent amount of time. it could be a month, a few months, or even a few years. but you must.

you will feel lost. especially if you’re doing something completely on your own feet. especially if you’re starting something that you’ve never done.

especially if you’re doing this on your own initiative, not on someone’s whims or orders.

this is exactly why this is important.

uncertainty is bound to be when you’re doing something unknown to you.

you do not gain clarity in one day.

you need to gain clarity step by step.

it’s like a puzzle.

you do not finish the puzzle all at once.

you go piece by piece. one by one.

keep that in mind.

stay hungry, stay foolish.

be curious.

and of course,

be on the lookout.

–K.

non-proliferation agreement

April 1, 2026 (ironic date to write this)

Going through the non-consumption challenge is harder than expected.

I deleted 40 tabs from my phone (again) and just kept 1 and read it fully. New rule is that I will be keeping 3 tabs at max on my phone to spend time on. Because genuinely, I won’t be obsessing that time over 40 different tasks, that’s ridiculous.

The thing that I read was Secure Messaging and AI Do Not Mix by ACLU, and I’ve found the piece fascinating. I liked the arguments made, and I genuinely believed in this standpoint even before I read this article.

It is currently 10 in the morning and I’ve just finished a class of some sort, reached out to some potential clients and planned a bit on what I’m about to do next.

Does prompting to AI and getting feedback and responses from it count as content consumption? I don’t think so.

What’s ironic with me is that, I literally am trying out YouTube Music Premium for the first time ever, and I bought it almost in excitement since I really wanted to see what this is all about.

I’ve tried Spotify Premium before, and I was satisfied (kinda) and I wanted to see how this is different, and I’ll probably write about it too soon.

Another one of the reasons on why I am trying this out is because I couldn’t seem to find multiple songs over in YouTube and YT Music on my Android phone only. i’m not sure if anyone else has faced the same situation, but the moment I got the subscription, I find all the songs back. Literally, all of them appear out of nowhere despite me searching for them before this with the most precise words you can think of.

I was using Instagram up until March 30 too, and I realized that I needed to stop that too since consuming reels is also something that doesn’t go with the idea of no content consumption. And so I deleted the app too, at least for the time being.

Something big is coming, so I will have to log in back again right before the launch, in order to announce it to the world. And of course you’ll know about it too.

You need to work for your dopamine. I cannot be stressing this harder.

I want you, and myself, to be working for our dopamine.

Without this, you will be setting yourself up for failure. The dopamine that you get with minimal effort, so think minimum risk and maximum pleasure, that will ruin your life up very badly.

This type of dopamine is as lethal as it might NOT sound like.

This mentally castrates you and makes you think that all dopamine is to be achieved in this easy, free-flowing manner, and that you need not work for it.

Here is where it gets dangerous because, all things worthwhile mean hard work.

Nothing that you have achieved so far, or will achieve in the future, will be the result of an endless chase towards dopamine without the work needed to get there.

Even if it seems worthwhile in the moment, you will not cherish it in the long term if you get it relatively easily, without any effort whatsoever.

All good things seem hard. All bad things seem easy. And that is because one prioritizes the now, and the other doesn’t.

I once read a quote, that went along the lines:

Cheating is easy. Drinking is easy. Lying is easy. Choose hard.

The more you sacrifice the pleasure of the now, the more you are to truly enjoy the pleasures of the future.

You MUST work for your dopamine. Further need not be said.

-K.

kakistocracy.

April 1, 2026 (again, ironic)

I don’t think there has been a significantly amazing turn of events in Bangladesh after the government was overthrown in a student protest, as crazy as that might sound.

The corruption is still there and much more rampant as a matter of fact, and the general attitude of people and the country’s situation, which was promised to be of an almost utopia is nowhere close to it either.

Power went from a group of hungry, corrupt elites who were already used to hoards of wealth to the hands of an ultra-hungry, never-rich-before incompetent swathes of people, who apparently have extradited so much money abroad that I don’t even know what was the point of this revolution if not to stop the corruption.

Not to mention the stupidity of actually believing that these guys would bring change and be “united” together for a greater cause.. that’s completely off the table. That never happened neither did I expect that to formulate either.

Another thing I want to mention, if someone is condemned/punished for merely having a different opinion, then there must be a revision of everything that holds power in that atmosphere, and I mean this for every single power of entity, previous and present. Without this, I do not see a better, fairer future for either of us.

What’s crazy is, there are still people with the illusion that they’ve somehow benefited the country by doing all of this. Sure, Yunus has done plenty, I cannot deny that. But he’s literally someone who came here from America, and not someone who was present in the July revolution.

Should I even call that a revolution?

Don’t think so.

It seems to me, that it is all a facade.

It’s something that’s part of a greater plan.

Of what? I do not know.

–K.

a transitory period.

March 31, 2026.

i haven’t been writing one daily piece at all although i promised myself to do so.

here we go.

i feel weird. i feel like an impostor. i am being intentionally vague right now as i speak about this because i do not want to go into detail about what i am doing right now.

i feel out of place, and i feel like “this is not me”.

but then again, feeling out of place is the sign that i am growing out of my bubble.

i will be honest. change never feels like home.

but it is more than necessary to grow as a person.

it’s irritating too sometimes. and i know i have just started, but i must convince myself that this is necessary and not “foreign” or “not me” as i have been thinking for a few hours now.

*two hours after writing this

i literally woke up from a nap and feel super sluggish. i’m also fasting and not feeling that amazing. i must be creating more, i must be having more output, because if i don’t, i will essentially be holding both my writing and thinking capabilities back.

this is a post i made regarding my situation and relationship with telegram, and i’m kinda proud of making the decision. let’s see if it actually formulates and whether i truly need it or not.

so i have been essentially procrastinating since 2023 to delete my telegram presence, but couldn’t because apparently I had “important files” over there which i MUST need.

i have essentially pulled the impulsive trigger RIGHT NOW and deleted the app from my phone and other devices. i have set a timer of 6 months for telegram, so that it self deletes in 6 months time IF…

view on mastodon

Super excited for the other things that are coming up too.

Be on the lookout.

–K.

se7en.

a personal account of the film

March 28, 2026

This is a personal thought dump — while fulfilling the daily content creation criteria, which I put a note a6out recently.

1’ve just finished watching this 1995 movie where the main characters are Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman and the infamous John Doe. I didn’t bother to get the real actor’s name out of John Doe but you’ll under2tand why I don’t want to either.

I’m not a crime/murder enthusiast in terms of watching films. This was random, and I decided to just watch one randomly after midnight a few days ago, and I must say, I did not make a bad choice.

The film’s grotesque, revolving around murd3r, a tiny bit of romance and realism, and most importantly, if you didn’t guess it already, the se7en deadly sins.

It really tested my nerves in the last h4lf, which you will feel even if you’re not paying attention to it. It pays attention to detail so well that e7en I don’t know how much I might have missed.

I have breached the criteria of not consumin9 content in the first place by literally watching this, but could I care less? I think so.

I was completely in sh8ck when I saw the ending, because the thing that I didn’t want to happen, literally happened. That was a terrible feeling, and couldn’t process what happened for an hour or so. I slept 5 hours, had breakfast and here I am, instantly writing about it here.

I saw myself in Pitt. I’m super adamant a lot of the times, especially for stuff that I actively want to look out for.

I saw my dad in Freeman. Calm, composed but measured and wise while delivering at times that are sure to leave an impact.

I’m not someone who avidly watches movies for a living or even for fun. I barely do it because I convince myself into believing that I do not have time to watch such long form content while I constantly spend HOURS doomscrolling sometimes. If I use that energy to actually concentrate on something that I completely finish, like this movie, then I will move levels.

I’m looking forward to actually see more movies like this, but I shall continue not consuming more content going forward. If I do, I shall be transparent.

Be on the lookout.

P.S. it took me a while to post this because i was procrastinating for absolutely NO reason to post this although i was done and i felt like i had something more to add (i didn’t.)

i feel terrible.

hear me out.

February 11, 2026.

i just had my final gym day of the week yesterday, and i feel weak even now. i couldnt sleep the whole night, and i even have a feverish body as i write this.

it’s not amusing neither is it amazing to feel this way, especially given that i have a lot of things to do.

the things that i have to do full circles in my brain and causes me to not rest and want to just work, work and work.

i feel like shit and here i am writing about how i am feeling physically as i speak. probably not the best use of my time, but regardless, it’s something.

i don’t love setting things up in wordpress, but hey, i have at least found a safe haven to write my thoughts and ideas out loud here.

Loonboon from Plants vs Zombies sounds like a very nostalgic and peaceful sounding game track. Kinda tears me up thinking about how simpler times used to be.

But there’s no use of whining. After all, we’re all adults now. Gotta grow up one day or the other. And it’s best if you do that ASAP.

-Kaifi.

my dear social media,

February 8, 2026.

sometimes it just feels so overwhelming for me to just even have a presence in social media. i’m not someone who is an avid user, neither someone who had immense FOMO on what is going on in the world.

but sometimes, it just feels so unnecessary and so superficial to hold a digital presence on a platform that does not know what is good or bad for you.

it just cares about its core interests, and it works just the way it has been programmed. it does not go out of its way to benefit you in any way or form.

but at the same time, social media has become so ubiquitous in our daily lives, that it just sounds weird to not have a presence there in the first place.

you might even be outcasted as the weirdo who doesn’t have social media. and for good reason, since most people tend to hang out less with people who are unlike them.

but you? you get to choose where you can be.

you’re not omnipresent like Allah that you can be everywhere at the same time, that simply isn’t possible.

but that calls for you to be VERY intentional to where you’re delving your time, and why.

this is called digital minimalism. you’ll thank me later.

-K.

i have officially joined the linux bandwagon.

February 7, 2026.

snowball rolling.

LMDE, to be more precise.

i’ve heard ubuntu is spyware and have immense amounts of telemetry going to the parent company by default, hence i decided on the debian edition.

interestingly, the setup was a bit headache-prone, but i got the hang of it pretty fast and didn’t struggle as long as i thought i would.

now sure, i don’t use arch, but hey, this is a start. maybe i might start using kali or even parrot someday. manjaro maybe? who knows.

but what’s clear is this: we’re going the FLOSS way, the straight path to privacy and security, and we’re probably not returning to the traditional mode that 99% of people cage themselves into. most don’t even know there is a world like this.

most people don’t even think they can save their privacy.

i’ve also heard that intel chips are very likely to stay turned on even if you turn on the machine, but that’s something i have to verify. because the allegation directly states that the machines monitor what you do, even if you turn them off. crazy shit.

see you again.

–K.

Maintain digital hygiene.

a short message for you.

January 7, 2026.

Delete all chats when you are done.

Log out of accounts when you don’t use them.

Clear your history after every session.

Remove everything that you think is unnecessary.

Keep a minimal footprint in the online world.

Once it’s there, it doesn’t easily go away.

So the quicker you remove it, the better.

Redact anything that doesn’t serve you anymore.

Both locally and online.

Wash every online entity you have.

Especially the ones that you don’t use anymore.

You will thank yourself one day.

It’s a new year. Start afresh.

Besides, it’s just online etiquette.

These are very simple steps.

Shouldn’t take much time to implement.

Maintain your digital hygiene.

Toodles.

(highly) accurate representation of what me and my room look like.